S/FJ

I HATE YOU MR. COMPUTER

OK. OK. [Breaks hand on door molding.]

OK.

The hard drive with ALL of my photos (originals) and sound files (some originals, some copies) and MP3s (mostly dupes) is either dead or faking a very inconvenient Rip Van Winkle-type nap. I am trying to stay cool. When Jack LaLanne turned 70, he swam handcuffed and bound, pulling 70 boats carrying 70 people, so I can live through this like Courtney. (Question, B: If you have no strong opinions abotu Courtney Love, do they take away your rock critic decoder ring?)

In an effort to calm myself, I looked through my brain and found the following. I hope I didn't write it.

PIGEON WITH PURPLE SHACKET LETS ME DOWN AGAIN (Adagio)

I see you piegon,
shaking that ass.
I bought you shrimp
and you said no.

I asked you to freeze it,
but you tossed it in the bin.
I must run to the loo and cry.

You do not care,
because you are a bird.
You cannot pick up my dry cleaning
but I need my velvet snood NOW.
I am excommunicating someone today
and I need to look my freshest.

While we are on the subject of
things you birds cannot do,
ha ha,
you cannot do the Cabbage Patch.
I got you that audition
and you didn't even go.
I do not care for birds who do not care.

I found a note in your pants
from your friend, Lucozade Hemlock.
He likes you more than I do.
He wrote you a poem
that you do not deserve:
"Oh, cruel infamy
They call you a shitter
But, I know you my dove
And you are no quitter."

I enjoyed the taxonomical accuracy,
as you and the dove are both Trenoninae,
but I think your friend is a putz.
You should have more friends your own age.

But now I remember why you did not eat the shrimp.
You are a tree-dwelling fruit eater,
and my shellfish made you ill.
It was selfish of me.
It was not easy for you to turn down my offer,
because you are proud.
But you wanted my second copy of that Ben Sidran record,
so you acted all suave bolla.
You are living trife,
dumb pigeon.

Computers are extra stupid. This is an email I got this morning, with the subject heading "You and I know your fat": (Illiterate, unkind computer!):

"cowboy addenda polygynous lance billie kaddish rudolph scottish clown severn outlawry chop transfinite bounce slovakia cashew filbert where'd desolate houghton repetition monday mcpherson exhilarate mach iran mute seersucker pathology trip bunt furbish thalia butyric dee intact proverb examination repeater astronomy fireside barnhard quandary chisholm yourselves bylaw simultaneous millionaire sturbridge exhumation peabody peg myofibril earthen alias samba bernhard watchful civet grey abut coulter contradistinction mchugh bengal counterflow synaptic crate threaten blouse demiscible chromatograph assignee coffee echinoderm decry surjection mucus sickish bereave awl quadrupole parkinson boggy carport cargoes brazzaville revel krakow wasp polygynous clipboard demoniac heterozygous inshore brahmaputra ferry mckesson yap advocate blocky beatitude readout tomatoes bib coffeecup tunisia anachronism discreet siege snapdragon chinch eerie corroboree tel yuki sweden indices jaw daddy molybdenum nutshell abject connote continue imprison bail dwarves prefecture orate chaw mortgagor dougherty darkle consortium commissary destroy fredholm brisbane surcharge negate aires were composite watchmake cantilever poi helix joseph divan connally gory nuptial normandy bottom involutorial styrofoam decisionmake detour condominium fourteen margo urban grand chaotic despotic between parliamentary folly bucketfull upheaval capacitive crisp morphism putnam syringa magma goliath davis paraboloid mexican halpern boardinghouse braggart referenda myofibril cuprous audition pent gratitude labial elucidate honshu informal."

That's SO 2003. Everyone know the bengal counterflow left the synaptic crate years ago. Stupid, behind-the-times computer! And if you see my hard drive lurking behind a broken directory, tell him to eat mud!

Posted by Sasha at January 8, 2004 12:00 PM | TrackBack