May 24, 2007

SEASON 4

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1. I start a fund drive for a new head shot, setting the suggested donation at $1000.

2. I disconnect my phone.

3. I hire a robot to sit in my office and physically restrain me every time I feel the urge to post. He will ask, electronically but not without empathy, Whats really good?

4. I mount a fund-raising campaign to help pay the robot.

5. I hire a full-time assistant to handle reader emails, most of which are variations on Are you retarded? I fire the assistant after I realize that I can answer the emails with a single auto-response: Dear Ardent153: Jacob told me to. The ex-assistant, in turn, starts the X/FJ blog and posts copies of my prescriptions and particularly embarrassing emails.

5. The robot is amused by X/FJ blog and threatens to jump ship if I dont buy him an ergonomic chair. To this end, I stage a C-list benefit concert at The Spiral, or whatever store is in the space formerly occupied by The Spiral.

6. I lose the new head shot because of hard drive failure.

7. I give up and turn to more important questions: Will Matthew Fox grow a decent beard over the summer so they can put away the spirit gum?

Posted by Sasha at May 24, 2007 02:13 PM | TrackBack