May 24, 2007
SEASON 4
1. I start a fund drive for a new head shot, setting the suggested donation at $1000.
2. I disconnect my phone.
3. I hire a robot to sit in my office and physically restrain me every time I feel the urge to post. He will ask, electronically but not without empathy, “What’s really good?”
4. I mount a fund-raising campaign to help pay the robot.
5. I hire a full-time assistant to handle reader emails, most of which are variations on “Are you retarded?” I fire the assistant after I realize that I can answer the emails with a single auto-response: “Dear Ardent153: Jacob told me to.” The ex-assistant, in turn, starts the “X/FJ” blog and posts copies of my prescriptions and particularly embarrassing emails.
5. The robot is amused by “X/FJ” blog and threatens to jump ship if I don’t buy him an ergonomic chair. To this end, I stage a C-list benefit concert at The Spiral, or whatever store is in the space formerly occupied by The Spiral.
6. I lose the new head shot because of hard drive failure.
7. I give up and turn to more important questions: Will Matthew Fox grow a decent beard over the summer so they can put away the spirit gum?
Posted by Sasha at May 24, 2007 02:13 PM | TrackBack