September 21, 2007

BIRD WINS

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Todayís hostóBen Greenman:

If you were a parrot, and you were just finishing up high school, where you had done okay but where you suffered from a lack of motivation, and your parents were on your ass to decide whether to go to community college or get a job; and your girlfriend was starting to talk too much about that guy Rob who worked at the record store and who was always trying to get into her pants; and the world was just a piece of shit on account of the president and the war and the corrupt assholes who were hiding around every corner; and you couldnít even get good weed in your neighborhood; well, wouldnít you join a death-metal band? Why should Hibernus Mortis get all the girls?

YOU: Hey, guys, itís me.

GUITARIST: Oh. Hi.

[awkward silence]

YOU: Sorry about the other day. My stepfather was screaming all day and it put me in a bad mood. He wonít let me get a neck tattoo. Fascist.

GUITARIST: Isnít fascist a good thing?

YOU: I guess. I donít know. Hey, listen, can I come back to the band?

[awkward silence]

YOU: What? Youíre not still mad, are you?

GUITARIST: No, Iím not mad. The thing is, we got another singer.

YOU: Already? What the hell, man? Who is it? Is it Rob? That guy from the record store?

GUITARIST: No, itís not Rob.

YOU: Well, who then?

[Guitarist points]

YOU: What? Is there someone behind that curtain behind the parrot cage?

GUITARIST: No.

YOU: Well, is it the guy who made the parrot cage?

GUITARIST: No. Itís the parrot.

[awkward silence]

YOU: The? But... The?

[Parrot squawks triumphantly.]

Postscript, by staff writer, originally intended for the major label blog (coming soon):

Blues, hip-hop, punk, alt-country: what is the concrete difference between these genres? No matter how good an act is, it rarely gets far into a song before someone steps up and ruins the music with self-centered singing. As if love and sandwiches and subways and indoor plumbing werenít reward enough for being aliveópeople have to go and sing about it.

Waldo will not.

Consider the following:

1. Waldo sounds really good over the noise his friends are making.

2. Hatebeak songs are in no way diminished by the lack of an identifiable human language.

3. Hatebeak has nowhere to go but up.

4. The Human Age is drawing to a close.

Bird wins.

Posted by Sasha at September 21, 2007 01:32 PM | TrackBack