January 21, 2009

“It has four toes.” (“Lost,” Season 5, Episode 1)


Do Lindelof and Cuse not know what is happening? Or do they pretend? I think that they are improvising and don’t know any more than we do.

“Lost” is the hit series so confusing that it must be re-explained every season, even though much of it needs no explanation. (And what happened to the cold, anonymous lady voice-over? Preferable to these brahs who are stepping out from behind the Oz curtain.)

Kate: Has anyone so hot ever become so dull so quickly?

“Really bad beard.” You made it a hot line, Damon—I made it a hot song.

“We have to go back, Kate!” is the new “You complete me.”

First reveal: vinyl skips.

Second reveal: the Dharma YouTube guy. That VHS was antiqued.

“No, we can’t go back and kill Hitler because Tom Cruise is doing that this quarter.”

I reject this self-pitying version of Jack, drugs and all. MAN UP.

The island appears to have moved to North London, where there are no shirts.

9:16 PM: I told you shirts were important.

9:17 PM: If you were a good scientist, you could explain this.

9:18 PM: God is a d.j. using a crappy Serato set-up.

9:20 PM: Is Locke going to go back in time to save the drugs? SAVE THE DRUGS.

9:21 PM: Creepy Ethan, my least favorite creeperton.

9:26 PM: Asians are the new terrorists.

9:26 PM: Why are TV bad guys still based on James Bond bad guys?

9:28 PM: Hurley vs. Sayid: who has the best lines?

9:28 PM: Even the people on the show do not know the names of the people on the show.

9:29 PM: Hurley is your Greek chorus, the viewer at home.

9:30 PM: Sayid re-enacts “No Country For Old Men” as Oscar bait. Nice use of drying rack.

9:34 PM: “Over here!” is always bad news.

9:35 PM: Sawyer just quoted the African Head Charge LP I was talking to Melvin about. (“My Life In A Hole In The Ground.”)

9:35 PM: “I have spent my entire adult life studying space-time.” THEN WHY DON’T YOU HELP THEM WRITE THE SHOW? OH WAIT, THEY WROTE YOU. THIS IS ALL ABOUT JEAN-LUC GODARD. AWESOME.

9:37 PM: Locke has done enough stumbling around injured. Boring. I want him to fly around and get inaugurated a second time. OOH. Flames. Locke is Barack! Oh, it’s just that guy from Fall Out Boy, Richard.

9:39 PM: Second “No Country” reference: homemade bullet removal.

9:40 PM: “I wish the writers had had more time to finish my lines, John, but we had that whole strike and we couldn't get this awesome CAD model to work. Anyway, we made you die last year so I am going to reference that because I am pretty sure that actually happened.”

9:42 PM: If anybody on “Lost” tried to file an insurance claim, it would induce another recession.

9:45 PM: Rare Earth is cleaning up on licensing.

9:46 PM: The characters are now reading lines submitted by Lost forum members. “So what was this place before you blew it up?”

9:47 PM: Sawyer? No shirt? “Back door?” This is getting very Tennessee Williams.

9:48 PM: Jeremy/Dan is like an on-site continuity guy. This show is in danger of confusing not only the viewers, but everyone involved in making it.

9:49 PM: Everybody in/on/around the show is asking questions.

9:49 PM: Nosebleeds happen right before death, right?

9:50 PM: Desmond! We know he is special! Daniel Farraday!

9:52 PM: I became a musician so that I would not need algebra. This is testing my fandom. I keep expecting someone to ask me “How many oranges does Desmond have left?”

9:54 PM: This is impossible to spoil. We are going in circles.

9:57 PM: Three years before WHAT?

9:59 PM: BLOOP.

9:59 PM: “Do you think anyone is going to believe this TV series?”

10:00 PM: I cannot imagine Hurley not being a bro.

10:01 PM: See? She called him BRO. Michelle is lucky that nobody has ever required her to act.

10:02 PM: Libby? That shit is mean! That was real love, the secondary Desmond/Penny line.

10:05 PM: Axe is trying to co-opt that Truth anti-smoking ad for their boner shampoo.

10:06 PM: The pre-DVD deleted scene is the new B-side.

10:07 PM: When did Rose and Bernard become so lame? And who is this unknown guy?


10:08 PM: Sawyer doesn’t like people stepping on his zingers.

10:09 PM: I have never ever been more pissed off about someone not licensing “Fly Like An Eagle.” How strong would that be? Daniel pulls out the golden whatsit and you hear “Doo doo doo, dit-dit de-doo. Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping...into the future.”

10:11 PM: Good question from Kottke: “Who the hell is Neil?” They don’t need to introduce new/old people while not explaining all the new/old problems with new/old space and time. Oh, Kate, hai.

10:14 PM: “Jack, you know I end every sentence is this weird quiet way.”

10:15 PM: I never get it right—is that Cheech or Chong?

10:21 PM: They are way overdoing the “this show in confusing” meta stuff.

10:21 PM: Hurley is totally a “Lost” fan. He is quoting “The Godfather.”

10:22 PM: Kate is your mom? WORST.

10:23 PM: Ben knows somebody who will put Locke on ICE.

10:24: Thanks, “Lost” producers. Now I have to care about Jill. And obviously Locke is so Frankensteining and Disneying and WAIT, NEIL? Get the fuck out of my diegesis, you newbie.

10:25 PM: “Oh, that headache? That’s the headache-before-you-die headache. I am a terrible date and I do not enunciate.”

10:26 PM: Did Sawyer call Neil “Frogurt”?

10:27 PM: Dear Clive Owen: Why are you so afraid of doing spy movies with cute women? Just try it. Once. Or maybe twice? In the same quarter? Up to you. Just a suggestion.

10:32 PM: Finally! Carnage! And now a stakeout. Hurley as OJ. The stakeout is a West Coast thing.

10:33 PM: Some mother! Not even a “Hi, Hurley!”

10:33 PM: I don’t want to watch these two have to act at the same time.

10:35 PM: Sun is the Tony Soprano of this show.


10:37 PM: Don’t show Jack a body. He gets all emo.

10:37 PM: Weird—Hurley’s dad acted like a dad, and Jack acted like a doctor.

10:38 PM: How I know the economy is r**l talk: I just thought about going to Olive Garden.

10:42 PM: MOM.

10:43 PM: Oh, Hugo. You do not want to do this.

10:44 PM: This information will not be leaving the Reyes household.

10:45 PM: Sawyer—unable to not get laid.

10:47 PM: They made “Friday the 13th” on the same set as “Lost”?

10:50 PM: Hasn't Sayid been not breathing for almost an hour?

10:51 PM: We need an infographic of which character on “Lost” has tried to strangle which other character.

10:53 PM: Ben is good. He is also Donald Rumsfeld.

10:54 PM: Hurley! Go in!

10:55 PM: LOCKE is THE RZA.

10:57 PM: Marianne Faithfull is on “Lost” now? No. Judi Dench. Hell. SLOW DOWN.

Posted by Sasha at January 21, 2009 08:21 PM | TrackBack